Ⅴ

I now understand my place in all of this. I have been selfish throughout all of this time. I have been thinking so much about myself to a point I have forgotten why I did this in the first place. It is for you. It was always for you. I didn't see it until you told me. I was too preoccupied of being afraid that I'll be broken at the end of this that I forgotten that it is also your heart and feelings is also entangled in this mess I have unravelled. I never once considered that in a way I am breaking your heart. I am such a fool. I screwed up and fucked up once again. I never learn my lesson.

I do not understand how you bring yourself to forgive me. Just like those before, people keep on forgiving me but I am not worthy of being forgiven. I don't feel like I am worthy of redemption. Is it am I running away from myself? Is this will be counter-measure that I will react whenever I feel that I have done a mistake? I run away? I promise this to you, sleepyhead. I will never run away. What I am doing right now will be me trying to save myself from making more mistakes. Trying to save you the trouble from me killing you in the inside. I will recluse myself. I will cut off from everyone that I have trusted in my life. I will return back to the form that I have been used to all these years. I will no longer tell anyone anything. I will only tell you and you alone. Is this the workings of the delusions and voices that I hear from my head? Most probably. It is the only way I know how. I have always dealt in absolutes and nothing in between. This will be my punishment. This is my reckoning. I have committed my crime and this will be the sentence that I deserve. I have promised and gave my loyalty to you and your word shall be carried out. This is my penance.

From today on out, I will cut myself out from the world that I once knew. No longer will I meddle myself in the affairs that is not mine. The flesh is weak, and I know more than anyone of that. The finger sacrifice has been made. And it shall serve as a grim reminder of the actions I have committed. It is not about me, it's my inability to forgive myself in the event that I make a mistake. 

I am what I have always been.

-Hakim